Devastation -- the end of a shining dream. I stand at the grave of the city of peace, of hope, of everlasting love. I know now that there is no forever in this world of birth and death -- the crystal lies shattered at my feet. I will not let the anguish I felt at its destruction reach me. All I can feel now, without losing control, is regret at its loss and for what its passing foretold.

Once Crystal Tokyo fell, the darkness won.

Now I kneel at the ruins of a place I once called home. If I think back hard enough, I can even remember how it looked, the first time I set eyes upon it. Pure, clear and alight with the gentle radiance of the moon; it did not attack the eyes, but comforted them by filtering out the harshness of the sun. There, I had lived with all my joys gathered around me: my love, my daughter, and the ones would guard us from all harm.

I had been mother, queen, and goddess for countless years. Thinking it would never end, I was ultimately the cause of its downfall. In my belief that peace had won, I allowed our vigilance against the darkness to lessen; through the cracks of our shields, Chaos and her minions crept in, shadows to our light.

They nearly overwhelmed us when they chose to attack. Caught unawares, too many died not even knowing what they faced. Hordes of nightmares, of all the things conjured up in the depths of our most hideous dreams -- ravening for our blood, for just a taste of our power, they came at us in numbers as vast as the stars.

After regrouping, we fought back ferociously, forcing them to die in the thousands for every inch they stole. We were at our height -- never had any of my guards fought so well, and never had my daughter shown me so clearly why she was destined to rule. I used all the power I had, as did my King. We fought against them for a long, long war, both sides losing so many that death became more familiar than life. Yet, it was never enough. For all the courage we showed and the powers we displayed, they broke through in the end.

During those final, desperate hours, our true enemy showed her face. We expected a monster; instead, we received a mocking salute from a being with a face that could have belonged to one of my own guards. Chaos had been reborn in the Galaxy Cauldron after I had destroyed it as Eternal Sailor Moon. The possibility of its rebirth had been one of the prices to pay for the continued life of our universe; I had accepted that, but had never guessed that it would take such a form after its renewal.

As I glared up to her and summoned all the power at my disposal, Sailor Chaos merely laughed. Opening her arms, she called to her kin and set them loose upon me and mine. They were my kin as well-- I knew them from so long ago: Metallia, Death Phantom, Pharaoh 90, Nephrenia. To gain revenge for their earlier defeats, they attacked fiercely with everything they could throw at us. We defended ourselves as best we could, but they managed to get through.

Helios was the first to die. Seeing my daughter in danger, he threw himself into the path of the attack with a serene smile on his face; that is how I will always remember him. Screaming in agony, Chibi-Usa summoned power that rivaled, then eclipsed my own and attacked Metallia with every ounce of her being. Metallia descended into death for the last time, but her final strike dragged my daughter down with her. Chibi-Usa's broken body fell atop of her love's; she managed to kiss his lips one last time as she let out her last breath. She was too young to die; she had barely begun to live. It was then that I knew that this was the end for all my dreams.

The Princess' Quartet -- Ceres, Pallas, Vesta and Juno -- were killed quickly after that. I think it was seeing my daughter, their Small Lady, die so quickly which made them lose heart. They let loose their ultimate attacks, sorely damaging Pharaoh 90, before seeming to just fold up on themselves. Their bodies fell around their Princess, as if trying to protect her even after death.

After that, the rest of the deaths blur before me -- perhaps, even now, it is too painful for me to try to examine closely. Mars and Jupiter finished off Pharaoh 90, but was blindsided by Death Phantom. Neptune, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus took on Nephrenia as Mercury, Venus and my King attacked Death Phantom. I attacked Chaos directly, but she shrugged off my power as if it were just an annoyance.

Realizing my mistake, I turned back just in time to see Mercury fall. Saturn stood alone amongst the bodies of the Outer Senshi, a look of utter despair and pain in her eyes as she took in all the dead. She started to swing her Glaive in preparation for her final attack; she must have seen my futile actions and realized that there was nothing else left for us to do.

I nodded to her once, and an almost-smile lit her face, only to be wiped away by a look of shocked pain. A beam had lanced through her body, making her fall back on the ground. I don't know if she realized that she hadn't managed to destroy the evil -- I like to think that she didn't. As she fell, a sob escaped from Venus' lips -- we all realized that there wasn't going to be a miracle to save us anymore.

Slowly, I turned back to Saturn's murderer. Sailor Chaos was standing there, watching me with an amused expression on her face. As I gathered my energy for another attack, she examined her nails and then pointed behind me. At the scream, I looked back to see Venus struggling against Death Phantom, finally managing one last attack which finished them both. As she fell to her knees, the leader of my guard smiled at me one last time. My husband caught her, and gently lay her down on the ground.

Without saying a word, he came up next to me and linked his hand with mine. We called up the energy from our crystals, causing both Silver and Golden to open and flower in our hands. Together, we threw everything we had against Chaos, knowing that this was all we could do. When the crystalline dust cleared, she was still standing before us. Cold as the hate she bore me, she gazed down at us and all I could see was death.

Finally, contemptuously, as if our mere presence offended her, she let loose a blast of power which forced us apart. Mamoru and I reached for each other, and our hands met just as Chaos ended the life of Endymion, King of Crystal Tokyo, Prince of Earth, father of Princess Usagi and the husband of Queen Serenity. He coughed, once, expelling air and blood from punctured lungs, before a last breath gently sighed his soul's release. His crystal shattered then, the golden shards landing on the ground to be lost amid the wreckage. My Mamo-chan was dead; there was to be no resurrection from that last blow.

Unable to speak, to think, I stared into his dark, unseeing eyes for an eternity before closing them. I knew that Chaos could kill me at any time while I did this, but I didn't care, couldn't care. After I had covered the bloody hole in my husband's chest with his cloak, I stood to face my enemy.

I had nothing left -- no reserves, no miraculous secret power. Instead, I stood before her as Serenity, queen of a dead city. Even the Silver Crystal was lifeless in my hands; its power was nothing, next to the overwhelming, ravenous darkness that Chaos was emitting.

Closing my eyes, I searched for the small measure of power that would allow me transform, to fight any way I could. I found it in the knowledge that all my friends, my loves, would want me to fight on. I remembered the encouragement they had given me, time and time again, and knew that I had to find the strength; there was no other way I could face their memories. I surrendered myself to my anger, to my grief, to all the pain that I had stopped myself from feeling that day and from Serenity, Sailor Moon emerged, blossoming through all the levels until Sailor Cosmos stood before Chaos.

I had won once against Chaos, when she had been imprisoned and I had had all my friends' power at my side. But solitary and alone, without even the hope of my friends' return, I was afraid. Not of death, or of the pain that Chaos could cause me. No, I had been afraid for my whole universe. Perhaps someone, somewhere could stop Chaos. But I couldn't, and I didn't know of anyone else who could. I feared for the kind of life that would emerge with Chaos, unchallenged, loose in the galaxy. After all, what could darkness spawn but more of the same? More of the fear, more of the pain -- if Chaos won, what would be born of that unending hate?

I raised my scepter, all my defiance evident from my stance. Chaos smiled at me with terrible darkness in her eyes. "The great Sailor Cosmos... you are a weakling, not even worthy of my attention. For besting me at the Cauldron, I give you a chance for life. Run, little one. Run and hide. If I find you around here ever again, no mercy will stay my hand."

Chaos walked away then, gathering her minions and taking them within her. Swallowing up the darkness, she left me alone amidst the shattered ruins of my life with the sun beating mercilessly down on my back. I gazed down at the lifeless husks which had once housed my loved ones' souls, and I knew that there would be no happy endings for this tale.

There would never be another chance for us -- Chaos had destroyed their essence, their very core. Their crystals had shattered under the force of Chaos' elemental darkness, and they were lost to me forever. All those qualities that made them so special, so unique, had left this world to rejoin the Galaxy Cauldron -- to become the stuff that the stars were made of.

And I was alone. So, knowing I could not win, knowing that even if I was able to beat Chaos, there would be nothing left to win for, I did the only thing I could do.

I ran.

I ran, remembering the first time I had met Chaos. Then, I had been young and hopeful; without even a conception of what true loss and true life were, I had hoped for a world where life was ever-continuing. I had rejected the plan to destroy the Cauldron, allowing for the darkness -- even then, I had known that without darkness, the light could not continue.

In remembering, I gave birth to a wild hope: that perhaps, if I went back to that time, I could persuade my earlier self to destroy Chaos... It was insane, but it was also possible -- and might have even happened. I remembered, then, the small child my then-self had called Chibi-Chibi. If I could take that form... perhaps, I had taken that form? What was past and what was future? I now understood why Pluto had been so secretive, and sometimes seemed to be at such a loss for words.

Pluto had given my child a key to open the Time Gate, but she had given me something even more precious: access to it at all times, as befitting my status as Queen, and as a reminder of my earlier adventures through that nebulous passageway. She knew how much anxiety I felt at letting my Chibi-Usa venture through something I did not understand or have access to, so she allowed me to know some of the secrets -- she realized, wise as she was, that if she did so, my fears would be lessened.

She had never meant for me to use that knowledge as I did; she would have been horrified at the risk, both to myself and to the integrity of the time-stream. Yet, what else did I have left to do? If I could not destroy Chaos at my time, I must try to defeat her when I could. So, I left to change the past, so that the future I knew would never come to being.

Now, after coming back from that past, I stand before the shattered remains of my once-glorious city to face my future. I had run and hid, hoping to change what had become of my dreams; only after seeing my younger-self's courage had my own returned. I remember now what I had fought for back then. Even if there was nothing left for me, I could not condemn the galaxy to an eventual death.

I reject entropy. I reject Chaos' idea of darkness, unchallenged and paramount. If only to bring the balance back, I will now make sure that Chaos is stopped. I must; if I do not, what is left for me but a life full of half-forgotten memories and the knowledge that I had not even tried?

I transform once more into the form of Sailor Cosmos, having replenished my strength in the twentieth century by immersing myself in the life-forces of the Cauldron. As I had watched my friends, so young and hopeful, go forth to the rest of their lives, I had found myself ready; this time I would win, so that the hopes they held would not have been in vain.

Chaos has left the ruins alone, perhaps to show the rest of the universe what resistance will garner them. Bending down, I pick up a piece of crystal from the ground. Is there a faint glimmer of gold within its clarity, or is it merely the sun, shining through? Either way, this is all I will be able to keep with me of my lost utopia.

I feel the chill of the shadows touch upon me as the sun's light disappears. Allowing myself one, final look, I shed the only tear I can for my city, my home. It drops onto the crystal shard, making it shimmer and shine even without the kiss of the sun upon it.

Usagi is dead. Serenity is dead. Even the idealistic Sailor Moon is dead. Once, I had thought that it would last forever: that somewhere within my soul, all of those identities would live on. Now, I know better. All that is left within me is Sailor Cosmos -- the only defender left of all their dreams of peace.

I am Sailor Cosmos, and Chaos will have no more tears from me.

Sailor Cosmos has no protector, no friends. She has no one who will whisper her name and hold her close in the deep of night, as Usagi did. She has no warriors to defend her back and give her strength, as Serenity did. She has no one to fight by her side, as Sailor Moon did. All I have is myself -- my strength, and my pain. I now know what it is to lose everything. I will not allow Chaos to do to another what she has done to me.

The shadows are becoming deeper and darker, full of the mindless hatred that is so antithetical to what I stand for. I know that it is Chaos' doing, to try to weaken my resolve, but I will not be moved. She will not force me to abandon my self again -- she cannot. I have remembered myself and I refuse to fail.

Chaos' sense of theatrics is truly impressive. After letting the tension build to an almost unbearable level, she steps out from behind a fallen pillar as if in the middle of a stroll. She gives me a pitying smile, before her expression becomes ice and iron. At the end, she reveals herself as the efficient killer she is: no more games, no more banter. Just strength against strength, desire against desire.

There is no need for her to call for her slaves; their presence would be minimal at best on this playing field. Without saying a word, she calls for the elemental powers of dark, of hate, of mindless and inexorable change. Throwing them against me, she seems to expect my defenses to crumble as they did before, and surprise is evident in her eyes when all I do is smile back at her.

I now know how to beat her, how to win. I had forgotten, in all the years that I ruled Crystal Tokyo, that stasis, order, stillness all come with a price. Our defenses could not adapt to Chaos' flood of seemingly-illogical patterns of attack, and we paid the price for our complacency. Seeing Sailor Moon fight, seeing her accept the changes that came in any situation, made me realize what I had lost.

Flexibility. Being able to adapt to what the enemy threw. Being not crystal, sharp and fragile, but rather, the elements; air, water, fire and earth. With the soul to forge them into a weapon, and the heart to shape them into a shield, that is the only thing I truly need to win against Chaos.

I have the power of the Cosmos at my disposal: light to her dark, order to her chaos, love to her hate. I can match her in any field she chooses, as long as I know not to become brittle and breakable. That, and something more that only the innocent I had been could have taught me: acceptance.

Sailor Moon always tried to help her enemy, tried to convert the dark into light. She always willed herself to be the sacrifice, to take in the evil and make it into something better. I had not allowed myself to see the need for Chaos, for what she represented, until now. She is indeed dark to my light, matching me in every aspect, but she is also creativity and growth. There is as much need for the shade as there is for the sun.

Crystal Tokyo was the embodiment of all that I held dear, but it was not true to the balance needed in the universe. Neither is Chaos' hordes what the galaxy desires; there must be limits to everything, be it light or dark. It does not make the death of my beloved any easier, and it does not bring any of them back. I will not allow myself the easy falsehood that this was the will of fate. Instead, I accept it as past, and done. I will grieve and rage, but I will also go on. I will not let this beat me, for I am needed.

Chaos sees my quiet detachment to her attack and seems to become almost frightened. Her voice is calm, but I can hear the faint puzzlement underneath the steel. "So, queen of the dead, you have returned to join your family. It is not my fault that you chose death. Remember, in the short time you have left, that I gave you a chance to live."

"It is not I who will perish here, Chaos. You don't see it, do you?" My voice is gentle as I speak to her and Chaos seems off-balance because of it. Indeed, my whole attitude is throwing her off; I should be the one disturbed, not she.

"See what, Serenity? I only see a ghost before me, nothing more." Chaos regains her confidence with those words, as if saying them had made it real to her. She needed that bolstering of her confidence, I think. In becoming corporeal, she had lost some of the vision that Chaos had had in the Cauldron. Before, she had been the spiritual embodiment of the dark forces which I had battled against, and the breadth of her sight had been impressive. Now, she was as mortal as I. While no longer bound to the birthplace of the stars as she had been, she had also lost the distance that being only spirit had given her.

"Not Serenity, Chaos. I am Sailor Cosmos and I see your death. You cannot win against me, not now; I can see into your heart and I know your mind. Be at peace, Sailor Chaos, and know that even the damage you have done to the balance can be healed, in the place where you were born." I feel it now, rising in me, the power that I have been looking for.

"Who are you, to say such things to me? I destroyed everything you ever loved -- how dare you-"

I smile -- not sadly, for I will not pretend that this death will not give me joy, but just at the petulance in Chaos' tone. In the end, even this does not matter to the vastness of the universe. We cannot truly affect it, beyond the immediacy of our selves, and perhaps our world. We are all children, infants, even the greatest of us.

No matter how powerful we think ourselves, at the end, the only important thing is the capacity every person has to be meaningful to another. It is those who cannot touch, who cannot connect, who truly have no place. I can feel pity for Chaos, now. She has had no one's support or love. Like Galaxia, she is alone in the vast coldness of her heart. That does not absolve her for her sins, but it will help me remember her.

She sees the pity in my eyes, and snarls in response. Losing her composure, she attacks with her full strength, not seeing until the last moment the mirror-spell I have been constructing. Is it appropriate that my crystal keepsake is the focus of my power? It is fitting, I think, a worthy memorial to my vanquished city; let it not be said that Crystal Tokyo did not revenge its murder.

Chaos lets out a shriek of pain that is lost in the emptiness of my moon. She collapses, dying without saying a word: the mighty fallen in just a blink of an eye. It seems almost as if her death had come too soon -- what atonement has she done for the death of my people? That is not something for me to ask, or answer. It is enough, perhaps, that she is gone.

Looking around once more, I know that there is nothing left to me here. Serenity can never come back, not without her warriors and her King. It would be a mockery of the memories that I hold of that shining city. Usagi had already disappeared by the time of the attack, subsumed by the responsibilities and duties that Serenity held -- and truly, how could I go back to being a normal girl after all I've seen and done? Even Sailor Moon had disappeared into the realm of myth and legend; perhaps she will one day be thought of as the last sleeping warrior, destined to come when true darkness roams the land.

I consign all my identities to the winds. None of that truly matters now; I have but one duty left. I go over to Chaos' body to take out the sailor crystal that even she has. How ironic that the reflected attack had not shattered hers as it had so many others -- I will never know if she meant to keep my crystal, perhaps as a token of her victory, or if, even at the end, Crystal Tokyo had soothed instead of harming as befitting the City of Light.

Placing that crystal firmly into my hand, I will myself to the Galaxy Cauldron. It is not difficult to find -- merely look to the center of the universe, and it is there. As I feel the warm energies swirl around me, I bow to the small lady who is watching me with something less than a smile.

"I return this seed to you, Guardian Cosmos. Please, place it within the Cauldron again, so that it may one day become a true star, not a shadow in the dark."

She takes it from me, the last remnant of my enemy, and it disappears into the sea of origin, birthplace of stars. She considers me and, after a long moment, finally smiles. Gently, she takes my hand, growing until she is as tall as I. "Are you ready?" That is all she says to me, and all that I need to hear before I realize.

I think, long and hard; this is not a decision to be made lightly. Yet, in my heart, I know that I have made it already. "Yes, my sister, I am. I will take up your burden and make sure that Chaos does not rise again."

She clasps my hand to her breast, letting me feel her heartbeat. It grows louder, steadier, until I can hear my own heart follow the steady rhythm. It is the pulse of the sea, of life, of the universe itself, and I close my eyes to it. I feel her lips on my forehead, on my eyelids, on my mouth, as she bids me farewell, and when I open my eyes, she is gone.

I look down, knowing what to expect. Sailor Cosmos is gone now, as well. I am only the Guardian now, and will remain to guard the Cauldron and the Galaxy until another comes to me -- out of pain, of fear, of regret, perhaps, but most of all, out of duty and love.

We all have our obligations, our crosses to bear -- this is mine. I watch, and wait, for that rare spirit, that star-spirit made flesh, made human and mortal; it is a being such as she who will relieve me from my watch. I wait, and a part of me sometimes watches for the birth of an ordinary girl, klutzy but sincere, who will live an utterly ordinary life with friends, and family, and loves.

Is it sad or strange that a being with almost unlimited power would wish to go back to simpler, easier times? Wishes are but unfocused prayers; I do not truly wish to be Usagi again -- I cannot be her, so ignorant of life and pain. But I can wish for a small measure of her ordinary happiness, once my task is done.

And sometimes, I look to the shard I still carry, the last reminder of my love. One day, when I have the courage, I will let go of it; let it sink into the sea of creation, that the golden spark trapped within the cold crystal may be freed. I will lose Crystal Tokyo then, and it will become only memories and legends: another Avalon, Camelot, Shangri-La, Atlantis. I will truly be alone.

But the Cauldron is the place where stars are born, and possibilities become reality. A tiny piece of hope, with the loss of a shard of crystal, may be the way for my other half to come back to me. Then, could I allow myself to become that silly, silly girl, knowing heart-love and not realizing how valuable it truly is?

A dream: She smiles, and he smiles back. An innocent, fated meeting -- they both know that something has been found, discovered. Their hands touch, their eyes meet, and two souls may rest.

It is but a whimsy. A dream, a chance and nothing more than fantasy. Yet fantasies are where creation begins; an idea, a simple desire. Perhaps I will be immortal, lasting as long as the galaxy does. But there will be an end; even this universe cannot last for eternity. Change is the only thing which is everlasting; only love is forever.

I believe in love. I believe in life and all the things that come with it. In the end, all who I hold dear will be with me, somehow; and a voice will whisper my name, and arms will hold me close in the deep of night.

---Finis---

6/13/98
Rev: 6/26/98