The couple walked down the night street holding hands, smiling and chatting. The woman, who was wearing a formal dark green dress, turned to her husband and asked, "Dear, I think that was a beautiful ceremony, don't you? Miki-chan and Yuu-kun looked so happy... almost as happy as we were when we got married. I'm glad they waited until we got to Tokyo before having their wedding, even if it put it more into the fall than they liked."

Her husband adjusted his glasses before putting his arm around her. Pulling her toward him, he agreed silently as they embraced. They stayed that way for what felt like an eternity before the two reluctantly pulled apart. The woman's smile signaled that this would be finished at home... Her short-haired husband blushed for a moment before grinning and shaking his head.

Looking at her somewhat thin dress, he took off his overcoat and placed it around her shoulders. She nodded her thanks with a smile. As they strolled on, he commented, "I was surprised at how mature Koishikawa looked. She has certainly grown up in the years since our marriage." He smiled again and added, "You must be happy that we've moved to Tokyo since you can see her everyday, just like before..."

Their pleasant chat moved onto the other people they had seen at the wedding. The newly engaged Kei and Suzu, and the Suous, who were expecting their second child, were all topics of discussion. They also noted the presence of all the others whom they had not seen in such a long time, or had just been introduced to. He wanted to know who the American couple had been, and she told him a little of how Michael and Anju had met.

As they turned to cross the street, the man noticed something from the corner of his eye. Looking in horror at something behind the woman, he had no time to shout as he seemed to want to. Instead, he shoved her away from him, throwing her to the ground. She cried out as her hands instinctively covered her face, and she rolled to stop a few feet away from where they had been standing. She felt a strong wind and heard the sickening sound of metal hitting something soft, and looked up to see the reason for his violent reaction.

In her mind, nothing registered except for the sight of the body on the ground, broken and bleeding. She stared in horror as the scene before her imprinted itself onto her mind, her soul. A person came out from the inside of the car, obviously intoxicated. The drunk woman staggered for a bit before collapsing onto the ground, bleeding from her forehead.

She heard a siren from a distance and wondered why it sounded so far away, even though she could see the light shining from only a short distance down the road. Feeling herself being shaken, she looked up from the horrible tableau to gaze at two unfamiliar people. Uncomprehending, she stared blankly as they asked her things that she couldn't hear. Finally, one of them shook his head and covered her in a blanket before placing her onto a stretcher in the back of the ambulance.

The long-haired young woman struggled and sat up to see two stretchers being put into the ambulance with her. One had atop it the bleeding, drunk woman. Meiko felt herself vaguely hoping the woman was not too hurt, but forgot even that when the other stretcher was brought in. Almost idly, as if her mind was in a fog, she couldn't help but wonder, *Why? Why is it covered with a sheet? Who...*

The ambulance's siren turned on again as it started to speed to the hospital. Finally, her mind started to shake off the shock, making connections and recapturing memories. Slowly, she stood up and went to the covered body. Stumbling a little as the ambulance rounds a corner sharply, she regained her balance quickly by grabbing onto the gurney. She jerked away as if burned, and her hands started to tremble as they got close once more to the sterile white sheet.

She wondered to herself why she was so concerned as she lifted the sheet to see under it. As realization dawned, her incoherent cries filled the ambulance. "No... no!" Her shrill, hysterical voice rang through the speeding vehicle as she stared, unable to take her eyes off of the still form before her.

*Why are your eyes closed, love?*

She reached out and brushed his cheek with a trembling hand, and closed her eyes as it felt nothing but clammy coldness. The chill of death... One of the paramedics came up to her, murmuring something in a soothing tone, but she couldn't hear it. It was drowned out in the vast roar that had enveloped her in darkness, in the awful cold.

"Shinichi... no!" As she collapsed, she could faintly hear the sound of the medic's voice calling for the driver to go faster. That faded away quickly, leaving her with only the sound of her life shattering, her heart breaking.

*It can't be true...*

But Meiko knew in her heart that her love was gone.

Forever.

Rising From the Ashes

"How is she?"

"The doctor says that she's suffering from severe shock. The few scratches and bruises she got from being shoved away aren't serious... That's something to be thankful for, at the very least."

"Meiko... Oh, Yuu! How could this happen? We saw them only a few hours ago and they were so happy! That this happened when they were coming from our wedding --"

"Shh! Miki, don't even think that! Right now, just worry about Meiko. You know what she was like when he left her so long ago. How do you think she's going to be when she realizes that he's dead?"

Dead. That word echoed in Meiko's mind as she slowly opened her eyes. She blinked at the too-white, too-bright florescent lights, walls and sheets in confusion, before focusing on the two whose voices had roused her from the darkness.

At the door, speaking quietly as they held each other close were Miki and Yuu. They are still in the clothes that they had been wearing at the reception, but both looked distraught and rumpled. Miki's pure white dress was streaked in dust and dirt, and Yuu's powder blue suit didn't look much better. Yuu was standing still, consoling Miki as she tried in vain to control her tears. In a detached corner of her mind, Meiko noticed that the make-up she had helped Miki put on that morning was running...

They both started and looked toward the bed as Meiko's strained voice whispered, "What are you two doing here? Weren't you going on your honeymoon?"

Miki cried out and ran over to Meiko's side, collapsing onto her knees at her bedside. "Oh, Meiko!" Meiko stared blankly down at the sobbing woman in her arms and then at Yuu, who had also come closer.

Taking Meiko's hand, Yuu squeezed it and whispered, "Meiko, I'm so sorry."

Miki's tremulous voice became firmer as she spoke again, drawing strength from Yuu's presence. "We are both so sorry-"

Miki's arms went around Meiko, gently holding her. Yuu stood over the two women, and the two stood still, forming a support for Meiko. Overwhelmed, Meiko suddenly started to cry the tears that she had been trying not to shed in front of her friends. Meiko's sobs were violent and uncontrolled, lasting far too long...

All the two can do was hold her as she let her tears flow. After what seemed an eternity, Meiko drifted to sleep, too exhausted to channel the tears that were just biding their time. Miki stood over Meiko's bed for a moment smoothing out the blanket, before shutting off the lights and leaving quietly. Meiko could hear snatches of their conversation as they left her to sleep.

"Yuu..."

"Shh- Miki, I know. I won't ever leave you-"

Her heart was breaking again... Meiko stared up at the ceiling, her sight blurring as tears started again. Finally, she whispered in a dull, bitter voice, "You promised me that you would never leave me again. You promised-" Her tears coming again, she let herself surrender to them as memories of their life together invaded her thoughts.

"Sensei! I- I mean, Shinichi..."

Meiko blushed as her old habits betrayed her again. Her new husband's laugh made her blush even more, but she couldn't help laughing with him. He came up to her and embraced her from behind. Meiko looked around their new apartment proudly as she leaned back against him, feeling his hands hold her safe. They had found the small one-bedroom right near his father's business and both had fallen in love with it. It was messy right now, but she smiled as she imagined how lovely everything would look after-

"Sen-Shinichi! What are you doing?" Meiko's startled exclamation was cut off by his kiss, as he started to move both of them away from the unpacked boxes.

"You look a bit tired, Meiko. I thought you might want to take a shower..." She looked at him for a moment before blushing even more, but then gave him a speculative smile back. She took his hand, and with his surprised laugh ringing out in the dusty room, dragged both of them into the bathroom...

"Namura-san. Namura-san?"

Meiko gazed up to see a nurse looking down at her with a gentle expression on her face. "Y-yes?" Meiko was a little startled by her own voice, which sounded much too tired to be her own.

The nurse, who had been looking at her with concern smiled, replying, "People have come to take you home, Namura-san."

Meiko barely had a chance to wonder who "people" could be, when the two came in together into her room. Shocked at their unexpected presence, she listened quietly as her father said, obviously ill at ease, "Meiko, come on. We're taking you home now." She stared at the two in stunned disbelief as her two absentee parents started to bicker about the most inane thing she could think of -- what room she was going to be staying in.

"It's her room! Just because you moved your new "maid's" things into it doesn't mean she can't go to that hotel that the two of you like so much!"

"It's not as if your daughter can't move into the room that your little pool boy's staying in!"

Meiko closed her eyes, suddenly more tired than before. She hadn't realized just how far her parents had degenerated since she'd left. Arguing in public, actually letting their lovers move into their home... Of course, she had known that they had hired other help since her old housekeeper had told Meiko of her abrupt dismissal.

Meiko sighed and looked at the two who had given her life, if nothing else. She had not seen her parents since -- since she had stormed out of their hate-filled life to be with Shinichi... Shinichi. The two arguing in front of her faded away as she was blinded by the sight of the blood-splattered road, the broken body. Silent, seeing nothing but the ashes of her life, she stayed still until her father started to pull her out of the bed.

"Meiko, get out of bed. We're taking you home."

Her mother's snide little comment, "I knew that this was going to end in tragedy... that good-for nothing-", finally penetrated her self-induced fog. Suddenly, all of the pain, the fury, the resentment that she'd thought had disappeared -- all of it poured out in a venomous shriek. "Let go of me! How dare you!"

Meiko managed to pull herself out of her father's grip and asked the nurse in a tight, pained voice, "Miss, could you please tell these two people to leave? I- I don't know them..." The nurse, who had been standing just outside of the room, looked at the mourning woman sympathetically and nodded.

As the nurse escorted the two away from the room, Meiko could hear the protests that the two offered before they were finally driven away by the threat of security officers being called in. Meiko was uncaring at what she had done, too lost in the constantly replaying memories.

"Shinichi..."

Meiko looked at the elderly couple who were seated in her room. She had managed, at the very least, to get dressed and look respectable...

"Mother, Father-"

The older woman rushed up to her with an anguished expression on her face. The woman who had truly become her mother started to cry, setting off Meiko's tears as well. Together, both grieved for a son and a husband, while the old man watched over both on the bed, ignoring the tears that ran down his own cheeks. After a time, the older woman gained control of herself and wiped away her tears with a sad smile.

"Oh, Meiko... We're both so sorry for you. What will you do now? You know you're are always welcome to stay with us... You've become like our own daughter in the years that you were Shinichi's wife."

Meiko nodded, giving both of them a grateful look. "Mother, Father. I think that I will stay with you. I can't stay in Tokyo anymore -- not after this. I'll have to settle business here- sell the apartment and the furniture, and get all of... all of Shinichi's things together, but after that-"

"Don't worry about that, Meiko. Just do what you can, and then come back to us."

Meiko sank back into the bed after the two left, thinking about the future. A life without Shinichi... without Sensei... Meiko tried to stop the tears in vain, wanting to just curl up into a little ball and ignore everything, but she knew she couldn't. She sighed, remembering all the little mundanities that she had to see to before she could rest... It would not be hard for her to sell the apartment, since the two had only been there for a few days, and they had not even unpacked everything yet-

Meiko tried to fight back the tears. She must not let them rule her life like this... A life without Shinichi, without her Na-chan.

*What am I going to do without you, love?*

Her existance had been defined as Meiko and Shinichi. She was too used to thinking in terms of "my husband and I" to be able to stop now... especially like this, alone in the dark. It reminded her too well of what she had lost-- the warmth of the light.

Of his light.

Meiko gazed out at the window. It was snowing again, blanketing the view of pristine mountains that were in front of her. She couldn't help but wonder why she was doing this, why she was even trying to organize her life to become just Meiko again...

After a moment, Meiko started to dig through the boxes. She knew she had to separate her things into what she needed and what she didn't. After all, there was only a finite amount of space here, in her parents' house in Hiroshima. She resolved to not be more of a burden on them than she must. It was obvious from looking around her room that she could keep only a few of the most important items with her. The rest would have to be put into storage.

Meiko looked fondly at all the things she'd kept from high school, knowing that they had to be put away. She couldn't help but smile at the memories they brought back of all the things that she and Miki had shared; the small little jokes that had involved only the two of them, the shopping expeditions, the time they had spent together, talking or laughing... Even now, Miki was still so sweet and happy-- their daily phone calls told Meiko exactly how much, and little her friend had changed.

"That's odd... I wonder what this is?" Meiko looked at the nondescript postcard she had just found stuck between two pages of one of the diaries that she and Miki had used to exchange messages.

"Oh..." Meiko nodded, remembering what the card was now. It had come in the mail right after the wedding, bearing no name. It had had only a few words written on it, in a strong, clear hand.

--Be happy and remember that I will always be there for you--

Meiko had known then who had sent it, of course. She had hoped that he would find someone like she had, and would be as happy as she felt then... She still hoped that, of course, but... She couldn't help but to laugh a little bitterly. "I certainly hope your life doesn't turn out like mine."

Still, Meiko let the bitterness fade away for now. It should not, and does not, have a place here. Memories were being awakened, true, but most of them were good ones -- even if every single one of them opened up a raw, bleeding place in her heart. Toryu would always mean Sensei to her...

*It's already been four months... I have to start to let go.*

Meiko's internal admonishment to herself that she had to start living again -- it doesn't work. Maybe it would never work.

Looking at the pictures she had taken during school, Meiko saw her Shinichi in almost every picture. Lurking here and there, it had been an unconscious shadowing on both their parts. But even then, even when all she had felt the first stirrings of "just a crush"...

*I knew he was special. Different, somehow...*

Meiko had known that she would never feel that for anyone else, ever again. Wiping away her tears angrily, Meiko continued to go through the memories carefully. Each one was precious to her, a remnant of a happier time when she had never known true loss.

"Meiko, are you there?" Her mother's voice reached her through her memories, making her start.

"Yes, mother. I'm in here."

The older woman came into the room, avoiding the many boxes that were strewn about. "Mail came for you. I think that this one was lost for a bit because of your abrupt change in address." Smiling, she left her daughter to her task.

After she had left, Meiko dropped the letters to the floor. She didn't really want to open them, because she'd read all of it before. She had received condolences from people who had worked with Shinichi, or who had gone to school with him -- all the people that he'd affected, one way or the other. She felt so tired of writing a reply each time, of feeling her soul tear even more with each word...

There was no return address on the letter. "To Akizuki Meiko? Who would use-" She realized then who would. Only a few people called her that, even now. After all, she was still on the Namura family register and planned on staying there.

"Miwa-san..." Looking at the thin letter, Meiko closed her eyes.

*I really don't want to open this one...*

However, Meiko couldn't deny that he had always been a true friend, even though he had avoided communication with her for so long. Opening the letter, she was surprised to see that there are only a few elegant lines, written beautifully.

-Akizuki,

Meiko stared at the letter for a moment before flinging it away in a short, abrupt motion. It was an irrational, childish thing to do, but she couldn't help herself.

*I just can't deal with this right now...*

Staring at the letter, and then at the pictures, Meiko resisted her tears with success. Quietly, she whispered in a despairing voice, "I don't think that I can ever deal with this again..."

Meiko was about to throw the letter into the rubbish pile, but then hesitated. She sighed. She will not --no, cannot-- reply to him; she knows that much. However, his sentiment had always been honest and straight-forward, and she refused to just throw his truthfulness away. She put the letter and the postcard into the diary that she had been reading, and put all of it away into one of the boxes marked "Storage". Closing it, she said goodbye again, this time to a happier time and place...

Meiko was staring at the page as she had been for the last hour. Looking down at it, she saw what she'd been seeing the whole time -- that nothing was on the page. Finally, she threw her pencil down in disgust, and rubbed at her eyes.

"Why? Why can't I write?"

She can't help but feel that something was missing. She gazed around desperately, trying to draw inspiration from her surroundings, from anywhere. Hey eyes finally fell to a picture on her desk of both of them during a vacation they had taken to Hokkaido. It had been winter, and they had gone to ski up at one of the many mountains with his parents to had come along. Father had managed to catch both of them in a spectacular wipe-out, with skis and limbs askew. When she had asked in embarrassment why they had taken the picture, he had answered that they had looked quite sweet together, entangled in each other's arms.

Looking at the picture for a long time, she realized what she had been trying to do. Musing, she directed her words toward the picture with a sad, wistful smile.

"Have I been trying to avoid thinking about you, my love? If only so I don't keep crying like an idiot..."

After a moment more of gazing at the treasured photograph, she stood up and went over to a small cabinet near the window. Within it, she had placed the usual miscellaneous objects that people don't know where else to put besides in a knickknack drawer.

She hesitated for a moment before grabbing for a small box which had been placed near the back. Opening it, she carefully took out a pen. It was a sleek, dark blue-green fountain pen, with golden accents on its tip. It looked as if it had been used before, but Meiko knew just how long it had been since it had truly done its duty...

Fondly, she looked at the pen, and went back to her desk. Determination touched her voice as she promised to her husband, "I'm not going to give up writing because of this... For you, Shinichi -- I will write the story that will make everyone remember you." Thinking back to when she had gotten this pen, she could only hope that she could do the memories justice.

Meiko couldn't believe how quickly the good day had turned bad. She had been so happy that her story had been accepted. She had thought that it would be so easy because of the Asahi that she had won. But whenever she had tried to sell any of her stories, they had told her that her writing had lost the edge that her first story had had... The magazines had told her that she had potential, that if she kept trying perhaps... But finally, she had done it, and she had wanted to have everyone share in her happiness.

When she had told Shinichi about it, he had been so happy, too. They had planned an evening out together, just the two of them. They had both been so busy lately, she with the story, and he with work, so that this would have been the first time in too long that they could just have a nice, romantic dinner together. Right as they were about to leave for the restaurant, she had mentioned carelessly that she had been glad that her marriage hadn't ruined her writing...

It had been a stupid, thoughtless comment that had set off all of the insecurities her Shinichi had had about their marriage. His look of hurt and pain had lasted only for a moment, and then had disappeared. Still, she realized what she had said, and tried to apologize. Only somehow, it had come out all wrong, and they had had their first real argument since their marriage.

She looked at the apartment where she had stayed after her husband had stormed away. Gazing at the empty space that had been so full of energy, of love just a few hours ago... "Am I starting to become like my mother? Fighting like that... How could we have-" She couldn't help but feel scared that she and Shinichi would become like her parents, that they would start to do things to deliberately hurt the other, just for the vicious delight that came with it, because there was nothing else for them in life...

"Meiko... please let me in..."

She rushed to the door, opening it. She saw her husband there, looking as miserable as she felt. She couldn't help but rush into his arms as soon as he had come in. "Oh, dear... I'm so sorry!"

"Meiko, it was all my fault. Somehow, I let your special occasion turn out so badly. I know this can't make up for it, but-"

Her dear husband showed her what he'd been hiding behind him. It was a bouquet of flowers, with a card that said -Good Luck- and a small box. She opened it, wondering what could be inside. He had gotten her a fountain pen, one of the more expensive ones, in a color that reminded her of the aquarium that they used to have their little dates at. She smiled at the small note inside.

-Please use as often as possible for your happiness-

"Shinichi..."

Somehow, the bad day had turned into a good one so easily...

"Mother, Father..."

The people she considered her true parents looked up at her in surprise. "Meiko dear, I hadn't noticed you come in. Please sit down and have some tea." Sitting down at the low table, Meiko accepted the tea and took a calming sip. Putting down the cup, she smiled. "I have to tell you both something." Seeing their expectant faces, Meiko hoped that they would understand... "I have go back to Tokyo." Both of their faces displayed understanding, not the confusion that she had been sure they would feel. "I hope that both of you understand that I must-"

She stopped speaking as her mother-in-law started to smile, a little sadly.. "Meiko, we understand. You have to come to terms with... with what happened. We've been expecting something like this for some time. Please, go back and come back to us happier than you have been." At Meiko's rushed assurances that she was happy here, her father-in-law smiled also.

"Meiko. We realize how much Shinichi meant to you. However, you are a bright, talented girl who shouldn't be tied down to his memory. Wherever he is, I know that he knows you love him... he wouldn't want you to stay as you are, so unhappy and lost. He would want you to live on, and find someone else-"

Meiko looked down at her tea, and slowly shook her head. "I will go to Tokyo to find some peace... but no one can, or will ever replace Shinichi. No one." Her two in-laws looked at each other, and then at the still-grieving woman. Then, with a forced gaiety, her mother said, "Well, we must plan for your trip! Where are you going to stay-"

"Hello?"

"Miki? Is that you?"

"Meiko! How are you? I was about to call you right now... How is your story going?"

"Actually, that's why I'm calling. Do you think I could stay in Tokyo with you and Yuu for a few days?"

"I think so- are you coming to visit?"

"I want to see where... where Shinichi-"

"Oh... I see. Um..."

"Don't worry, Miki. This is just something I have to do... for both of us."

"... Well, when are you coming?"

"I thought maybe next week?"

"That sounds- oh no! I'm sorry, Meiko!"

"What is it?"

"It's just Yuu and I are going to New York that week. I'm going to be looking at some of the new schemes at an annual design exhibition, while he's going to be at some lectures with-"

"Oh. I see... don't worry about it, Miki. I'll just go to a hotel-"

"You can't be serious! No friend of mine is going to be staying at a hotel while my house is so near! I'll leave you my keys, and you can stay at our house!"

"If it's not too much trouble..."

"Meiko, don't you dare say such things! Of course it's not any trouble."

"Miki, thank you... I'm sorry I haven't called you the last few days... So, why are you going to this exhibition for, anyway?"

"Well, ever since Yuu and I built and decorated our house, I've been looking for an extra-special design pattern... I want it to be just perfect for a room where a new pair of eyes are going to be looking at the world-"

"Miki! Are you-"

"Yes! I found out just today- that's why I was about to call-"

"Oh- Miki-chan! That's wonderful-"

Meiko hung up the phone with a bittersweet smile on her face. "Miki is going to have a baby... That's wonderful! Then why... why am I so sad? Can I really be that petty?" She looked down at her own flat stomach. "Shinichi and I... we were so sure-" A tear rolled down her cheek as she regretted the lost chances, and the death of their dreams...

"Good morning, Meiko." Meiko smiled into her husbands eyes as she slowly drifted awake. It was a holiday and neither of them had to get out of bed for a long time... "Umm... Good morning, dear." She snuggled into her husband's arms and sighed in contentment.

It was a moment of quiet thought for both of them as the sun shone in from an open window overlooking the sea. She looked at the dust motes floating lazily in the light, and asked quietly, "Do you want a boy or a girl?" She gazed slyly up at her husband, who had suddenly acquired a rather panicked look on his face.

"Ah- Meiko... is there any particular reason-"

Meiko couldn't help giggling at the strange expression on Shinichi's face, and replied, "Not yet dear, not yet. But when it happens?"

Shinichi's face became less startled as he started to smile too. "A little girl to play piggyback with... that would be nice. What about you?"

Meiko considered for a moment, before putting a finger on her husband's nose. "A little boy that looks exactly like my Shinichi..." Both smiling now, she sighed back into his arms. "Soon, I'm sure of it. Maybe after we move to Tokyo..."

Meiko knelt down in front of the headstone. Laying the flowers in front of the grave and lighting the incense, she bowed her head in prayer.

*Shinichi... I'm going to go to Tokyo soon, to try to make my peace with your death- I'll try, but... Shinichi, you're never going to truly go away. Not for me... never for me.*

Meiko smiled as she looked at the house. She had been here before, of course. However, the last time she had visited it was when it had been under construction -- it had been finished after Miki and Yuu's wedding. Wondering at the couple's luck at getting such a lovely location for their house, Meiko used the key that Miki had sent her to let herself in.

"Miki?"

She heard a door slam and footsteps as Miki came rushing in to greet her. "Meiko! You're here! I'm sorry I couldn't come to the train station to meet you, but I had to pack-"

Meiko smiled and hugged her frantic friend. "It's all right, Miki. It's not as if I didn't know the way. So, are you going to leave now?"

Miki nodded, pulling her toward the bedroom. "Yes! I have to catch the plane in -- oh no! I'm going to be late if I don't finish packing soon! Ah, Meiko -- I left you lots of food, and you can stay in here."

Meiko nodded as she followed Miki into the room, and soon both were embroiled in packing the last of Miki's things as they chatted a little about their lives, and about the upcoming baby.After Miki finished packing, she showed Meiko briefly around the house. When Meiko exclaimed over Miki's colorful design inspirations, Miki smiled even more brilliantly and pointed out all of the little thoughtful touches that Yuu had put into their dream house as well.

After the tour, Miki looked at her watch and apologized, "Meiko, I'm so sorry! I really have to go now! You can stay as long as you like -- I'll probably be back in a few days. I guess that depends on what's at the exhibit and -- I'll call you from New York! Bye!!"

Meiko waved, a little bemused, and watched her excited friend rush to catch a cab. Then she went back inside the cozy little house and smiled. "It looks exactly the way you would expect- All the little things just yell out Miki and Yuu." She went back to the bedroom, and tidied up the things Miki had left strewn about. After that, she unpacked her own things, and then looked around, a bit confused.

"I wonder what I'm going to do while I'm here. I don't want to visit that- that place... not yet, anyway. Maybe ... I should say hi to all of my schoolmates, or..."

Meiko looked at the room, which seemed almost too big for just her alone. "This feels like it was built for two people. We were going to visit their house after it was done and give them a housewarming party-" She sighed a bit, pushing that thought out of her mind. After sitting down onto the bed, not knowing what to do next, she started when the doorbell rang.

"Who could it be?" She opened the door, and started to speak, perhaps just a bit rudely. This was the last time she wanted to be interrupted..."I'm sorry, but the Matsuuras aren't here right now. They're going to be in New York for-"

She finally looked at the person she was talking to and stopped speaking for a moment. Finally, she said in a quiet voice, "Miwa-san..."

Miwa gazed back at her, and understandably looked a bit shocked. He hid all of that after a moment, and smiled in a gentle manner. "Akizuki... What are you doing here? Didn't you move back to Hiroshima?"

Meiko looked down at the ground, feeling somewhat uncomfortable. "I came back to Tokyo to try to write... I-" She ran out of words, as she lifted her eyes back to Miwa's face. She owed him that much, at least.

He looked at her for a moment, before nodding. "I see. Well then, I won't bother you anymore. Please tell Yuu when he comes back that I wanted to return a few books that I borrowed from him." Waving goodbye, he left, leaving a somewhat bewildered Meiko behind on the doorstep.

*Why... why am I suddenly feeling so... annoyed? It's not as if I want him obsessed with me or something...*

Meiko shook her head at herself. Somehow, she's irritated by the fact that he had so easily put her out of his mind. With a grin for the follies of pride, she whispered, "I have no time for that sort of thing... Maybe I'll go visit all the places that Shinichi and I went to, together. That might help me start writing again..."

Suddenly, Miwa popped up in front of her again, coming out from just around the corner of the house. Understandably startled, Meiko gave an undignified squeak before asking in a exasperated tone, "Miwa-san! Didn't you just-"

Miwa grinned at her, flashing that familiar smile designed to charm. "I forgot something, of course. How could I leave without volunteering my services to your quest? After all, I am the one that got you started." He managed to look a bit abashed and smug at the same time, as he added, "And did I not I just hear that you needed transportation? I would be happy to provide..."

Meiko sighed at the cavalier way Miwa was assuming control over her life, and couldn't help snapping at him. "For your information, I never said that I needed transportation! I can walk or take the train, and if I need to, which I don't, I can always take a taxi! And what are you doing lurking around people's houses, anyway?"

Miwa smiled even more broadly as he said, "But you know that you want me to drive you around, right? Come on, let's go! I'm not going to let you just mope inside when I can help you." He gestured to the rather nice, if flashy red convertible parked outside of the house. "Where do you want to go?"

Feebly protesting, Meiko tried to stop him from dragging her out the door. "St-stop!" Meiko looked at the expression on Miwa's face, and remembered what had happened at Toryu... With a small smile, she realized the impossibility of trying to stop him now -- after all, she had enough experience of him like this. "Fine! Just let me get the keys-"

After locking up, Meiko finally let herself be driven out of the house. Miwa opened the door for her to get into his car, and then closed it for her as well. Meiko looked at him for a moment, wondering... just wondering what he thought he was doing. At his questioning expression, Meiko finally said, "I'd like to go to the Toryu library, if you don't mind. It's-"

Miwa nodded. "Don't worry. I understand... if you'd like, I'll wait outside for you. You can stay as long as you want -- I'll wait." Startled, Meiko took in the expression that showed only in his eyes.

*So sad... when did they get so...*

He looked back at her and repeated in a deep, quiet voice, "I'll wait."

She looked away first, not wanting to see it all so plainly written... "Miwa-san... I don't want to mislead you. I'm not ready for a relationship right now -- or ever..."

Miwa's voice was normal again as he said, "Akizuki, don't worry about it. I'm not going to be pursuing you like before." He grinned, and tipped an imaginary hat toward her. "I'm just your lowly chauffeur while you're staying in Tokyo. So, don't forget to tip, eh?" She nodded with a smile of her own, and he started to drive her toward the place which held the sweetest memories for her.

Once she was there, Meiko couldn't help but to blink back a few tears. Only a few... but they were enough to show Miwa exactly how fiercely she was mourning. His eyes were concerned as they watched her, prompting him to leave the joker's mask on to put her at ease. *If only she knew...* Smiling, he asked, "Akizuki, do you want me to wait outside for you?"

Meiko stopped her contemplation of the old, ivy-covered edifice and shook her head. Wiping away the last of her tears, she replied, "No, Miwa-san. It's all right. I -- I could use someone in there with me." He nodded and accompanied her into the building.

Once Meiko was inside, she went straight into the study room and to the table where she and her Sensei had spent so much time together. She could almost hear him talking about some obscure writer and her laughter in response to a joke he had made. She sat, memories threatening to overwhelm her as she started to cry again.

*Stop it, Meiko. You can't keep crying every single time something reminds you of him-*

Her tears stopped after a few moments, and when they do, she felt someone sitting next to her in Shinichi's seat. "Miwa-san..." He looked at her with understanding in his eyes, and gave her some paper and a pencil.

"Akizuki -- instead of wasting your energy on tears, write. Write the story that's trying to come out of you... that you want to come out."

She drew a deep breath, looking at the walls, at the shelves which hold all those old, dusty books that she remembered so well. *Shinichi... this one I'm writing for you, love...* As she bent over her paper and began to write, Miwa smiled and waited for her.

"I'm sorry I got you in trouble, Miwa-san..." Meiko's face was red as she remembered the way he had taken the blame for "breaking in" to the library. "I hadn't realized that we would need a pass..."

Miwa, who was still a little flushed from the chastisement he had administered to the unlucky person who had tried to evict them, grinned. "I haven't had that much fun in a long time. Still, it hasn't been that long since I graduated. You would think that they would remember Toryu University's school president..." His melodramatic, hurt expression made Meiko laugh out loud as he staggered around for a moment, his hand on his heart. "I'm feeling so forgotten!"

Still laughing, she waited for him to unlock the doors on his car. "Still, I am sorry. And... I want to thank you for taking the time to do this with me. I would think that you, of all people, would not want to help me while I am recollecting such wonderful memories of my husband..." She blushed a little, realizing how rude that had sounded, and tried to cover her embarrassment by opening the car door and getting in.

However, Miwa just laughed, and got in on the other side. "That is true! But I never said that I didn't think your husband was a good guy. It's just the opposite! I just think that you could also be happy with someone like me-" He stopped suddenly, and there was an uncomfortable silence in the car. Finally, he broke the silence with a quiet statement. "You know what I think, but I'm not going to force you to do anything that you'll regret, or do something that you're not ready for." Neither of them spoke for a moment, and he smoothly pulled the car out of its parking space. As he drove, the words were almost lost in the roar of the breeze as he said with quiet dignity, "I'll wait..."

Meiko nodded, and considered her words before speaking. "Thank you, Miwa-san. I don't know if I can... but if I could, you would be the first. I can promise you that, at the very least." The silence, this time one more comfortable, lasted until he dropped her off at Yuu and Miki's home.

"When do you want me to pick you up tomorrow?"

Meiko looked at him in surprise, asking, "For what?"

Miwa's reply surprised her. In a deliberative tone quite different from his usual voice, he said, "I don't think you could write a true story if you went to only one place to remember someone like your husband. You should go to all the places that had significance for you... it'll help you to do his memory justice."

She nodded in thanks, and asked, "How about nine o'clock?"

He grinned and turned to leave. She was stepping into the house, and nearly missed what he added to his previous statement. "If you finally remember all of him... maybe someone else will have a chance to win your heart." She closed the door firmly behind her and sank to the floor.

"I haven't been this happy in a long time... Shinichi, would you mind? I don't think you would, but I can still feel you here, in my heart, in my soul. I don't want to forget you. But could I stop him from stealing my heart?"

She looked up at the ceiling and added in a whisper, "Do... do I want to stop him? He did once, almost..."

Meiko threw another piece of crumpled writing paper into an already overflowing wastebasket. "I can't do it! Why?" She was tempted to let her pen follow the paper's path, but stopped herself in time. She looked at the hand that had almost discarded one of her most precious memories, and then couldn't see anything beyond the tears which had filled her eyes. "Why? This story my gift to Shinichi... Why I can't write it?"

In her innermost heart, a quiet voice couldn't help but to whisper her most darkest fears... *Does it mean that I can't let him go? That I won't?*

Suddenly, Meiko heard the doorbell ring. From outside, she heard a shouted, "Akizuki!" Going down the stairs, she opened the door. "Miwa-san! What are you doing here? It's already nine o'clock at night!"

Miwa answered with a grin, "Come on! You're going to stop writing for one night and come with me! I'm going to show you the time of your life!"

Meiko looked at the madly grinning man suspiciously, and replied in a disbelieving air, "You're joking... Where can I go looking like this? Besides, I have to finish-"

He shook his head and gestured for her to go back inside and change. "Come on! You can stop writing for one day, and I'm know you need the break. Besides, you owe me a night, remember?" He said it quietly, gently, but Meiko knew how much it had hurt him when she had rejected their date to chase after her husband so long ago.

"All right! Just let me get dressed... couldn't you have told me sooner about this? Shinichi always let me-" Her expression was stricken as she realized what she had just said. "I mean-"

"Akizuki, I'm not Namura-san, and I'm not trying to be. You don't have to be sorry you mentioned him... after all, that's what you're supposed to be doing -- remembering him." Miwa gave her an exasperated look, and firmly shooed her inside the door. "Anyway, hurry up! We have to get there soon -- I made reservations!"

As she rushed inside, she couldn't stop the smile that had appeared on her face.

*How did you know this was exactly what I needed?*

"Miwa-san... thank you again. This was incredibly-"

Miwa laughed and bowed before her. "Not at all, Akizuki. I am sort of your manager -- after all, I did get you writing. I'm definitely going to encourage you to write! This way, maybe you can start living your life again-"

Meiko's smile was tinged with regret as she looked at the young man in front of her. "Thank you, Miwa-san. If you'd like, I'll give you a copy of the story before I send it in..." His smile was all the answer she needed as she went into the house.

Once she was inside, Meiko sighed and went to the desk in the bedroom. Sitting down, she stared up at the ceiling, trying to collect her thoughts. It had been a magical night, filled with the first truly carefree laughs that she had uttered since Shinichi's death. He had taken her to a cozy Italian restaurant, not too intimate, but still quite lovely. Once they had sat down, he had regaled her with stories about all of the classmates that she had left behind when she had moved to Hiroshima.

Once dinner had ended, she had expected him to take her home. Instead, he took her to go dancing in a dance hall, and actually persuaded her to waltz with him. She had not known how good he was, and he seemed surprised at her virtuosityas well. They had twirled around the floor, lost to the music, until the sound of clapping made both of them stop.

Meiko smiled as she remembered how Miwa had hammed it up, bowing repeatedly to the dancers-turned-audience, before asking her with dangerous eyes if she knew how to tango...

*For a second... just a second -- I was tempted to say yes...*

Standing up, Meiko took off her dress and went to take a bath. Soaping up and washing herself off quickly as the tub filled up, she shook her head ruefully. Again, he had managed to help her forget... and for that, she wasn't sure if she should be grateful or wary.

Sinking slowly into the hot water, Meiko let herself relax into the warmth. Leaning back, she remembered back to the dance floor, to the quickly-hidden look of disappointment in Miwa's eyes as he nodded graciously. They had both sat down instead, watching in silence. Finally, Miwa had stood up, asking, "My lady, the honor of one more dance before the manager in me decides that you should go home to sleep."

She had stood, losing herself to the beat of the beat of the thoroughly modern music which had started to play. She had barely noticed when he took her hand except to grip it harder -- the feel of it so enough so that it took her a few minutes after the music stopped to realize and let go. He had smiled a little knowingly, and then managed to take away her nervousness by cracking so many terrible jokes that it was hard not to laugh.

Meiko blinked, realizing that the water had cooled considerably. Standing, she unplugged the tub and stepped out carefully onto the tiled bathroom floor. As she walked into the bedroom, the pen gleamed in the light as if in reproach. Meiko started to feel guilty about the whole night, when she realized what could go after the place where she had left off in the story. In amazement, she looked at the dress she had laid on the bed, and then curtseyed to an invisible presence in the room.

*How did you know...*

"Are you ready?"

Miwa watched her out of the corner of his eye as he drove, obviously concerned. Meiko nodded quietly as she sat with her hands clasped nervously in front of her. "I have to do this... I know I do. It was one of the reasons why I came back."

Miwa stopped the car and they both got out. "We're at the place you told me to stop at... is this the-" Her sad, affirmative nod stopped his question, and he smiled in a gentle manner. "Then, I'll leave you here to-"

"No, please... stay." She ignored his look of surprise and turned, going into the street. She stopped at the middle of the crosswalk, heedless of the danger. Taking a single rose from her bag, she knelt and placed the blood-red flower onto the ground in front of her. Looking down at the pavement, she saw the accident again -- the rush of wind, the sound, the half-remembered smell of mechanical parts broken and burnt rubber on the pavement...

Dimly, Meiko could feel Miwa standing in front of her, redirecting the traffic around her. She knew she should be grateful for that kindness, but somehow, she just couldn't focus...

Her heart was hurting in a way that she had almost forgotten -- a pain so sharp and immediate that it consumed every particle of her being. She took a deep breath, and then consciously tried to remember all that she could about everything -- the happy day which had led into that awful, terrible night of loss and death.

*For your tribute, my love...*

Meiko started to sob as she saw the broken body, over and over again. Her husband's kindly face filled with pain, those gentle eyes closed forever, never to look at her and smile... They were rending her heart anew, the memories, but she tried for her love's sake to assimilate them. Embrace them and chain the passion to her pen...

She opened her eyes and blinked at the sunlight that blinded her for a moment. She felt a little wonder to see that it was still light -- it felt as if she had been crying forever. She looked up to be presented with the sight of Miwa valiantly withstanding the shouts and annoyed glances of the people in the automobiles, trying to keep her safe.

Miwa started as her hand touched his shoulder. His questions were in the expressive gaze that he leveled on her, and her response was a smile. It was a tremulous, weak smile, but one which was tinged with a little peace. "We can go now..." She walks to the car, while he gazes back at the single rose on the road.

His fists clenched for a moment, and he nodded to the spectre that was looming around the rose, around her. *Even if she never can accept me, I'll protect her. My promise.*

She looked around the happy bedroom, so full of love and expectations. With a exasperated cry, she let the pen drop to the desk and slumped back into the chair. "I can't decide... How am I going to end this story? How... Can I really-" She stood up and went to the bed. Burying her face into the blanket, she let out a small, confused sigh.

Rolling over onto her back, she stared up at the ceiling. With a bewildered expression on her face, she asked herself, "Can I really start over again? Live life as Miwa Meiko? Another link to my love will disappear. Where will Namura Meiko go?"

"Where will I go?"

"Done! Finally..."

Meiko looked at the room which had been home for the last two weeks. "I wonder when Miki's coming back. She told me she would try to be back soon, but she seemed so busy!" She smiled a little sadly, knowing she wasn't going to get a chance to see her friend...

Looking down at the pile of papers, Meiko nodded. After smoothing down the top page, she picked up the stack. Then, she looked at the package she was about to send Miwa, knowing and hating the fact that she is being a coward. "How can I do this to him? I should tell him in person... But I can't. I just..." She knew that this could, and should kill any chance of a relationship between the two of them, but she refused to deny her true feelings... even if he did make her laugh.

"Miwa-san, I'm sorry. Goodbye..."

*Not even a goodbye, Akizuki? I thought that you were braver than that

Life. It's not fair, is it? I lose to that guy for a second time, and he's dead this time!

She... oh, Akizuki. You were even lovelier than I remembered you. In such pain... I wanted you to laugh until every single one of those ridiculous frown wrinkles were smoothed away by me.

I should get on with my life. Go see that girl who's been hounding me at work, or maybe the one that keeps coming to the band's gigs to make eyes at me, or

You would think that I would be fickle, considering my father. Or is it because of him that I'm obsessed...

In love

Forever and ever and ever.

Akizuki -- Namura -- Meiko.

Which one are you?*

Miwa finished his glass of the amber-colored liquid, and stood.

Meiko stood in front of her husband's grave, her eyes fixed onto the stone which had his name so beautifully engraved upon it. *Shinichi, I'm back. Here is the story that I wrote for you... I hope this is what you would like for me to do, if you knew...*

She put the story in front of her and smiled down sadly at the pages. "Because of this, I rediscovered so many of the little memories that people tend to forget about loved ones. I remembered so much more about you because of this, my dear. Just for that, I'm glad that I did this..."

Then, she hesitated. Finally, in a voice filled with recrimination, she continued. "But -- Miwa-san. I did it to him again. I think that he really thought that this time, and maybe I thought so too. But at the last moment, I realized how much I love you. No one can replace you -- ever." She smiled a little sadly, but then brightened. "But the trip to Tokyo did show me that I can remember you now without crying. All the memories I have of you -- I can remember them without so much of the sadness... I see the part that made them a happy memory in the first place."

She stayed in front of the grave for a long time, the story's pages fluttering in front of her. Finally, as if fate had decided that those loose sheets had mocked it long enough, one of the sheets were blown away, making her cry out. She was about to stand to look for it when a too-familiar voice said, "Don't worry. I have it."

Meiko turned, dreading the confrontation that was sure to come. "Miwa-san..." She looked up at him, and was surprised to find him smiling.

"Here you go, Akizuki." He handed her the errant page, which she placed on top of the pile.

"Miwa-san- what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you, of course-" Meiko started to babble out an apology, something, anything that could alleviate her guilt, but he stopped her with a firm hand on her arm.

"Akizuki- I'm glad you can think of him without pain. That is very good, and means that you must be starting to heal-"

Meiko pulled her arm away. In a voice full of self-recrimination, she said, "You must hate me now, after what I did. Why are you here? After all, I led you on, making you think -- and then I didn't even have the decency to tell you in person! I sent you a letter and the story because I couldn't-"

Miwa put his other hand on her shoulder, bidding her to stop. With the suave mask he was so adept in placing over his features, he replied in a kind, almost exasperated tone, "Akizuki, stop! You never promised me anything -- in fact, you told me many times that you weren't over him. I know that! You don't have to feel guilty for anything- after all, I can't make you love me."

He gestured to the grave. "When you were in Tokyo, you needed to make peace with him. I helped by trying to get you to laugh again. If anything else had come of it, it would have just been icing on the cake... not that I would have minded..."

Miwa frowned, and then shook his head. "But it doesn't matter. I accept your decision, and I just came to tell you to be happy. That's-" Then he stopped. His voice was a bit strained as he continued, "I told you before... I'll always be there for you. But -- I think it's best if we both go on. I-" He looked down, and around at the area, avoiding her eyes.

Meiko looked at him, confused at the way he seemed to be losing track of his thoughts. Finally, he gazed at her and his grip on her became tighter. He said in a miserable tone, "That's not true. Akizuki -- no, Meiko. Namura-san, if you want. I -- I'll always love you. No matter what. It's not best for me if I go on, but I'll manage, as long as you're happy. That's all that really matters-"

At this, Meiko started to cry, and leaned into Miwa's arms. Miwa looked down, gazing in surprise at the sobbing woman in his arm. He held her close for a moment, his cheek pressed against the fragrant locks of her hair, before gently letting her go. "Meiko. I told you that it wasn't your fault-"

Meiko leapt away from him, and turned away from him. In a tight voice, she answered, "You don't understand! It is my fault! What's worse is that my cowardice could have caused you so much pain and I knew it, too... Don't you see? I don't want to lose him -- and if I admit that I -- if I had told you, then it would have been like I was giving him up, that I was admitting he was really gone..."

Meiko reached into her bag and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. "Here -- this is the real ending, the one that I should have sent you..." Miwa read the true last page of the story, the one she has written from her heart, and wanted to shout out with joy.

He was about to embrace her when her quiet voice stopped him. "Do you see? I was about to let you go again, even though I... I didn't want you to go. How can you still stay by someone like me? It's just that I-"

At her guilt-ridden statement, Miwa smiled at her sadly. He handed the paper back to her, telling her, "It's you who doesn't understand. Meiko... I will always love you and will be there for you. But you have to realize that blaming yourself is not the answer for this..."

He sighed. "I'm not trying to take Namura's place- I know how truly impossible that is. Besides, how could I expect you to feel the same thing for me as you felt for him? He and I are two different people, after all. I'm willing to make new memories with you, if you'll let me, but you have to decide if you can stand the idea of letting go."

He stepped away, and turned to leave. "Goodbye, Meiko."

She stared at the paper in her hand, and suddenly, tears started to fall. But this time, it was the pain of his leaving that caused it -- his parting is bringing her almost as much pain as when Shinichi had left her forever-

"Wait... Please. I-" He walked out of her life, one step at a time, as she watched in despair. "Please... Satoshi. I-" She started to sob in front of her late husband's grave, knowing that the last person who had been capable of making her happy had just left her forever-

"What is it, Meiko?"

Meiko was speechless for a moment as she heard Miwa behind her. Her first instinct was to hurt him, but her second prevails. She turned, embracing him fiercely. "Me-meiko..." She did what she had done so long ago -- going up on her toes, she kissed him right on the lips. Then she gave him a fierce punch right on the arm, and started to laugh and cry at the same time.

"Miwa-san... no, Satoshi. Don't you ever do that again... you-" Her expression made him laugh as well. They stood there, holding each other and laughing, until she manages to stop. Quietly, she finally said the words that she knew she truly felt. "I- I love you too"

It felt right, somehow, to Meiko where she was. *Shinichi, I think that you approve...* Her spirit soared as her heart expanded to encompass this new love that has managed to find a place all its own in her soul.

*I can't ever say goodbye to you, Shinichi.*

Meiko knelt once more, and bowed her head down in front of the grave. She felt Satoshi doing the same, and smiled.

*But I can live on... and be happy...*

---Finis---

Last updated: 2/21/98 - MS