Oookay... this was a bit odd. Lets just say that this has absolutely no basis on reality, but is an answer to someone's challange of writing the wierdest possible combo of sex partners in GWing and justifiying it- ok, the justifying didn't really work, but hey. Anyway, Lets also say that I'm too burnt out to write real yaoi stuff, so take that as you will, and I've only seen the 1st 12 eps. Anyway, Wierd couple Heero+Dr J ^_^ <Bleah> Also, I guess this is the 2nd in chronology, after Discovery: Home...

He wakes suddenly, tense for a moment before he forces himself to relax. He looks around for a moment before he sees me sitting on the floor next to the wall, my head leaning against it. He assesses at me for a moment before getting up from bed and coming over to me. He says with a bit of concern, "Duo, are you all right?" The fact that there is any emotion in his query is still a bit amazing to me. How different he is when he is only with me...

I stand up from the floor, putting the blanket I had been huddled under into the corner. I walk to where the mirror is and I give myself a good look. I see why even Heero must be concerned. I have dark circles under my eyes, and I really look like I need a day of sleep before I'm even up to my usual self. I can't help but yawn as I reach up to braid my hair.

"Here, let me do it." Heero reaches over to my hand from behind me and takes the ribbon. I watch him as he starts to braid my hair for me, and then lean against him... just a little. I can't help but smile as I see his serious expression as he tries not to get his fingers mixed up... after all, it has only been a week since I had taught him.

He had persisted in playing with my hair to the point that I had told him, "If you're gonna keep doing that, you'd better learn how to put it back up." He had totally surprised me by looking calmly into my eyes, and replying with a small smile, "So teach me."

He seems so strong as I lean against him, so warm and gentle. I know how special it is for him to allow even this much intimacy with anyone... He interrupts my memories by whispering, "Duo, why have you been sneaking out of bed for the last few nights? If it's something I did, I'm sorry-" I turn in surprise, and say, "No! That's not why... I mean... It's not what you're thinking at all. I want to stay with you, but-"

I sigh, and lead him back to bed. There, I wrap myself around him and put my head on his arm. He holds me closer until my head is cradled between his chest and arm. I am content to merely lie there as he holds me, but I can feel his tension and hurt. So I whisper, "It's not what you think... Heero, do you know that you've been having nightmares these past few nights? Nightmares that I can't wake you from, and where I'm afraid you're going to mistake me for an enemy- so I stayed as close as I could, and tried to sing to soothe you a bit. I’m not sure it worked, but-"

I feel him look at me in dismay. He does not like the fact that there is a part of his life that he cannot remember or control. "Did I hurt you?" His desolate whisper reaches my ears, and I can’t help but look up at him. His eyes are dark pools of emotions that want to pull me in. "I don’t want to hurt you... I thought that at least you could defend yourself against me if-"

It is my turn to pull him into my embrace. He clings to me as I whisper to him that he would never have hurt me, that I was only doing what I did because I had been feeling a bit paranoid. I can’t tell him of how close he got one night to... I won’t. Still, I think he realizes anyway by the way he keeps whispering how sorry he is. I hold him tight. "Heero- do you want to talk about the dreams? I’ve never seen you so..."

He gives me a tired smile as he pulls away. His eyes are level with mine as I hold onto his hand, trying to get him to feel how much I want to help. He asks me, "What was I saying? Do you know?" I look into his eyes, and can’t help but to hesitate a little. "You were yelling at me, saying that you didn’t want to be a soldier, asking why..."

His eyes darken as they look back to his past. He pulls away unconsciously from me, but I pull him back near me. "What is it? If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to..." He leans against me but he doesn’t see me. He starts to whisper, "It was just part of training. Why should I have nightmares about that when it was just one small part of it?"

What can I do but hold him? He rocks back and forth as he starts to speak. "I was almost done, you see, almost done with my basic training... the day before, I had successfully made my first true kill- beyond the one from long before. Dr. J had told me that I was doing well, and that I needed to fine-tune my training. He told me that there was one area that I was still vulnerable in."

He stops and becomes the cold persona. I can almost hear the shield over his emotions click on as his tone becomes dry, clinical. "He took me to his room and explained how sex could be used as a weapon against those who were not prepared or informed. He told me about all the ways a soldier could be broken if he didn’t have experience. Then he said that there was no way I would be able to learn in the normal way, so he would have to teach me."

He looks off into to a distant scene that I can’t even imagine. Death, pain I have known and have been trained in. But this... this was too much, even for one of us.

How- Heero continues in that cold tone that I've come to hate. "He said that there was no way I could be innocent if I was to be the perfect soldier that I had to be... He told me that gentle children never survive. Then he took off my clothes, and his. He- he was not gentle. Rape is but one of the things that I had to train for, and he made sure it was real for me."

I can feel tears run down my cheek but I don’t bother wiping them off. "Oh, Heero..." He ignores me, lost in the memories that he had tried to suppress. "I could feel his claw ripping into me, as he made sure that I knew all of the pain that could be felt. He told me to remember what was happening, and to train my mind defend against it. I screamed and yelled but he wouldn’t listen... I tried to push him off but he just forced me-"

He clenches his fists as he scowls. Except he is angry at himself, not at his rapist. "I even told him that I didn’t want to be a soldier- Of course, I know that it was necessary now, but back then... I think that this was the first time I truly realized how to be a soldier. The distance I needed- that was when I made it work. After all, Dr. J was my superior, and you’re not supposed to want to kill your commander. So it worked the way it was supposed to."

"It was just training... nothing I should be dreaming about, right?" He looks directly at me for the first time since he’s started talking, and he is startled by my tears. He reaches to wipe them away, giving me a smile. "Don’t worry. It was a long time ago, and it’s not that important-" I cut off his sentence as I grab for him. Holding him closely to me, I can’t say anything for a long time.

Finally, I manage to say something. "Heero... please. You don’t have to pretend with me. You don’t." He looks at me with wondering eyes before he collapses into me. "I don’t want to have to think about that anymore. Not when I’m with you... please. I don’t want-" I stroke his head, and try to soothe him. "Shh- it’s all right. You don’t need to be strong in front of me. I understand."

I make him look up into my eyes, and tell him seriously, "Don’t blame yourself... this war makes everyone crazy. I can’t- no, I won’t defend what Dr. J did, but I know that he probably didn’t want to... I don’t know. But you don’t have to be the perfect soldier with me. We’re just expendable pieces that need to last as long as we can. That’s all... but that doesn’t mean you have to be the way they made us when we’re not fighting."

Heero just looks at me with his beautiful eyes before he gives me a kiss. Long and sweet, it starts to drive away the demons that he had just purged. "I want to hear you sing to me while I’m awake please." My voice trembles but I manage a credible job of a lullaby I had heard long ago from one of the colonist rebels who had had a baby. I can’t help but want to keep this person who was so easily a killer safe from his demons. As we drift away into sleep, he joins my simple melody with a harmony of his own- he is guarding my sleep as well...

---Finis---