THE DAILY FUNNIES THE SEQUEL
This was becoming so long that I decided to simply make a second
part. The same true-life silliness, part two.
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Can I have a second opinion to go, please?...The following
comments were taken from actual medical records that were dictated by
actual medical doctors and reported by Dr. Richard Lederer in the
Journal of Court Reporting.
...The patient refused an autopsy...
...By the time he was admitted his rapid heart had stopped, and
he was feeling better...
...The patient has chest pains if she lies on her side for
over a year...
...The patient expired on the floor uneventfully...
...The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in
1983...
...Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient
will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose
of him...
We kind of think we know what these Docs meant to say... or at
least we hope we know what they were trying to say...
Wow, why didn't we think of this?...According to his shyster
lawyer, a career criminal was turned into a "considerate, caring,
law-abiding citizen" by a blow to the head. Michael Pearse of
Winnipeg apparently lost his memory, and his criminal ways, after
accidentally striking himself in the head with a crowbar...You know,
this could revolutionize our entire penal system...
John Hopkins Medical Center has announced that research has
proven that intercourse can cause temporary amnesia. The Lancet
medical journal recently reported that this post-sex amnesia is
caused by "bearing down" too hard... ladies, I guess this explains
why sometimes, on very rare occasions, we forget to call you
tomorrow?... or maybe it just says something about where our brains
are?...
In western New York state a hunter was found dead in a tree,
hanging by a safety strap. Authorities say they are having difficulty
figuring out how the man managed to shoot himself in the upper body
with a rifle... aw, geez, guys, this one is easy--some hooched-up
"outdoorsman" thought he was not going to let that deer, cleverly
hiding in a tree, get away from him...
In Greenville, South Carolina, authorities say that their new
signs advising motorists of "seat-belt safety checkpoints ahead" are
working great, despite the fact that there are no such checkpoints at
all...see, Mulder and Scully are right--our government does lie to
us!...
From Port Orange, Florida comes this well thought out story.
Arthur Grabowska is in custody for allegedly attacking his wife and
two daughters with a meat cleaver. The reason? His marriage was
failing and he "wanted to avoid a messy divorce..." well, that's a
plan...not a good plan, but a plan...
In Hialeah, Florida, police are searching for a real
smooth-talker. This particular gentleman, claiming to be a bra and
girdle salesman, convinced three women to take off all their clothes
so that he could fit them with free underwear... hmmm, okay, say they
catch this guy...what are they going to charge him with?...a friend
of mine who is Asst. County Attorney said it would probably be
disturbing the peace, or disturbing the piece, or something like
that... personally, I would like to say to this gentleman, in the
immortal words of Slim Pickins from the movie Blazing
Saddles---"Golly...you use your tongue purtier than a $20 whore!"
....
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