from: herman23@picayune.net

Dear Good Doctor,

I believe in everything. UFOs, astral projection, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster, and the theory of Atlantis. Also tarot cards, voodoo, fortune cookies, comet worship, the X-Files, and astrology. And I greatly resent the fact that you make light of my beliefs on your site. How dare you, sir!

the doctor's reply:

Hey, if you don't want people to laugh at your beliefs, get a better set of beliefs. But just to show you there are no hard feelings, the Doctor presents a horoscope below which he has had for many years, and believes to be just as valid as one you'll find anywhere else.

ALL PURPOSE HOROSCOPE

AQUARIUS Jan20 - Feb 18: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal and nobody trusts you. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over. Everybody thinks you are really stupid. You will probably wind up trying to donate your body to Science Fiction.

PISCES Feb19 - Mar20: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. Or even the ACLU. You have minor influence over your associates, and are widely resented for flaunting your power over the weak and helpless. You lack confidence and are a gutless coward. Pisces people like to screw small animals.

ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a major prick, and will probably wind up either as a politician or maitre d'.

TAURUS Apr20 - May20: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like a madman. Most people think you are just bull-headed. You have never admitted to a mistake in your entire life. All Tauruses make excellent religious fanatics.

GEMINI May21 - Jun20: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. Everybody likes you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 22: You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They, however, regard you as a sucker and a loser. You will always be on welfare and will end your days in some alley, guzzling MD 20/20.

LEO Jul 23 - Aug 22: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are just a pushy bully. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. You are arrogant to the point of making priests want to punch you out. Leos are always thieving bastards. They normally become either lawyers or stock brokers.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sept 22: You a very logical and hate disorder. This nit-picking really pisses your few friends off. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers, accountants, or pimps. Most are Republicans.

LIBRA Sept 23 - Oct 22: You are the artistic type and have only a tenuous grasp on reality. If you are man, you are more than likely gay. Most Libra women, however, make excellent prostitutes. Chances for employment and monetary gain are therefore excellent. Libras often become either movie stars or hair stylists.

SCORPIO Oct23 - Nov 21: You are very shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will probably achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered in a dark alley.

SAGITTARIUS Nov22 - Dec 21: You are optimistic and enthusiastic, a "people person." You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have failed to develop any useful skills whatsoever. The majority of Sagittarians drink too much, and live in fear that people will find out how ignorant they really are. People are always laughing at them behind their back. Remember, just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19: You are very conservative and afraid of taking any risks. Consequently, you don't do anything and just sit around watching TV. It used to be ESPN , the soaps, and MTV, but lately you have come to enjoy even the Home Shopping Network. Heavy usage of hallucinogenic drugs is commonplace. Consequently, no Capricorn has ever amounted to a hill of beans. Many even find it useful to have a portion of their brain removed and replaced with a small, flowering shrub.