from: jewell@strippers-r-us.com

Dear Good Doctor,

Let's face it! I am the hottest babe you'll see this side of Hollywood. I can cause more fender-benders walking down the street in an old T-shirt and pair of cut-offs than you would see in your average demolition derby. And when I walk into a room full of men, the management has to hand out bibs because of all the drooling going on. I have the face and hair of a movie star. I have lovely, firm, young, perfect breasts, each topped with a large, always hard nipple, as good as anything you'll ever see in Penthouse. I also have a thin, supple waist, a great to-die-for tush, and long, shapely, dancer's legs. And to top it off, my boyfriend tells me I can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch while humming all three verses of "The Star-Spangled Banner." Despite all of this, he still insists that I let him have sex for free! Even worse, he wants to marry me so that he can have free sex with me for the rest of his life. Considering how gorgeous and beautiful I am, is this even a reasonable request?

the doctor's reply:

Jewell, you ignorant slut! I am quite certain that the poor guy that marries you will discover that you are the most expensive woman he ever bought. Like the Doctor's dear old Dad told him when he went out to buy his first used car: "Son, it's not the sale price; it's the upkeep." Can you say high maintenance? There is no free lunch. Especially in your bedroom.