STORIES & OTHER FUN STUFF

As space and time permits, I will post some of my original work here. Enjoy!

 

STAR DREK! This parody was first published in SWANK magazine in May, 1978. Later it appeared in several men's magazines in other countries. I have updated it a little bit, and am posting it here. I have always loved Star Trek, and the ideas and philosophy behind it. This parody is based on one of my favorite episodes in which Kirk and Spock steal a Romulan cloaking device. But I changed it just a tiny bit. In my version, Spock really does get lucky. It therefore has some psuedo-pornographic parts to it, so be warned. If you think you will be offended, please do not read it. The picture is courtesy of Paramount.

THE CREEPY CRAWLY HAIRY SCARY THINGS IN THE BASEMENT. A short horror story told through the eyes of a child that has extraordinary mental powers. But it is really about the horror of being too small, or too weak to control the evil around us. The idea of the hole came from my childhood. Our first house, that I can recall, had a hole in the basement, back in the corner where it was always dark. Dad always had it blocked off with boxes and stuff. But I can remember being seven or eight years old and looking down there, and seeing something looking back up at me. It was probably just a cat. I hope! (I should say here, that the hole is the only thing that comes from my childhood. My mother and father were very happily married, and we were never abused as children.)

THE DEVIL IN THE DEEP This is my homage to one of my favorite horror writers, Howard Phillips Lovecraft. H.P. had a wonderful sense of ancient dread, lurking and waiting to get us. Boo! Heh, heh, heh. The poem at the end is his. These are the opening lines of "The Nightmare Lake," copyrighted 1943. I would have gladly asked permission to use this piece of his poem, except that I have not the slightest clue who to ask for permission. Lovecraft is dead. August Derleth is dead. Arkham House publishers are gone. So if any copyright lawyers are reading this, please don't sue me. Just ask, and I will be glad to remove the offending piece. I merely thought it worked well with my story. I have a feeling that no one will care if I use these lines, but as a very dear friend (whose wife I unfortunately had to "bump off" in this story, along with one of my favorite brothers) recently told me: "Vampires merely feed, but lawyers truly suck." (The artwork is courtesy of Ray O'Bannon.)

THE DAILY FUNNIES This humor article first appeared in RUSTLER magazine in 1980. It is actually a compilation of funny, true news stories and articles. They were gleaned from newspapers, news sources, and news services such as Bizarre, Inc. Some are old , but still funny, and some are new. I intend to update this article whenever I come across some funny items in the news. Anyone having a hilarious, verifiable news story is welcome to send it to me. I purposefully left two very humorous ones out. The first was the "JATO-car". This was a case where some "rocket scientist" apparently attached two JATO units, which are rockets used during the 60's and 70's by the U.S. Air Force to power heavily-laden bombers off the ground, to his car. This "genius" then climbed into his car, put the petal to the metal, and ignited the JATO units. At somewhere over 200mph, he joined the "man in space" program. But his astronaut career was cut fatally short when his car buried itself in the side of a mountain. Don't try this at home, kids! Anyway, I left this one out because its veracity has been called into question by both the Pentagon, who claim they don't sell surplus JATO units to just anyone, yeah, right, and by the New Mexico Highway Patrol, which if I remember right was where this incident supposedly took place. The second is the "flying lawn chair". This one is just so famous that I left it out. For the few of you who don't know this true story, another "genius" hooked several helium balloons to his lawn chair, got a six pack of beer, and took off. He was spotted at 5,000 feet over L.A. by an airliner. He was, of course, terrified. And had no idea how he was going to get down. That part of his plan had been rather hazy. The authorities finally got him down safely by shooting out his balloons one at a time. He should have been charged with "failure to file an adequate flight plan for his lawn chair."

ATTACK OF THE CREEPING CRUD FROM OUTER SPACE This is a parody of some of my favorite old SF movies, the 50's and 60's giant bug/radiation/danger-from-space flicks. Some of them are so good, they are a must see for every movie fan. Some of them are so bad, they are a must see for every movie fan. This particular story was first written as an assignment for a writing class, but was published in GENT magazine in 1978. I have since completely re-written it and hope it is still funny. Please be warned that it contains a totally superfluous sex scene. Why? Because I like totally superfluous sex scenes! But if you are the type that objects to anything sexual, then please go back to www.disney.com. The poster is courtesy of Paramount Pictures and The Nostalgia Factory.

MADNESS STIRS IN THE DEEP DARK Another venture into deep dark water and horror. I swear that I am really not obsessed with the horror from down below. It is just that several of my stories had that as a theme. On to MS__DD. I wrote this piece some years ago, and it was originally published in a small horror mag called Eldritch Tales. I have modernized it slightly. Some have called this a very "christian" story. It was not meant as that, other than that I did purposefully manipulate several symbols. Others have said this is a blatant rip-off of the boat scenes in Bram Stoker's "Dracula." If it is, then Stoker and I must be joined at the head, because I must ashamedly admit, that I have never read his work. Actually most of this story, inspired for me by an old Star Trek episode, came to me in a dream. I was merely the one that wrote it down. Please be warned that it is rated PG. Not for Parental Guidance. But for Putrification &Gore. Have a nice fright!

THE SUCKER A new story, but an old-fashioned tale about the sins of the past that are never quite forgotten. Nor forgiven.

THE HOUSE ON THE HILL This is an old story that I finally decided to put on the site. It was published in a men's magazines in the U.S. and Canada. It is kind of an oldie, but a goldie. I think someone once asked my what I was trying to say with this story. As I recall, I told that person that I was just having fun with it (kind of like Robert Bloch--author of PSYCHO--who once told me that he had the heart of a little boy...in his desk drawer.) When this person insisted that I ascribe some message to the story, I thought about it for a moment. Then I told him that, if you are in the wrong place at the wrong time...you're screwed! Seriously, just a fun story. Tyring to scare the bejesus out of you! Enjoy.

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